Or Sir Big Dick, sorry brah I’ve never been great with titles
Dear Nicholas “Engorged Unit” Foles,
Bro, before you go, I just gotta say the biggest of thanks to you for delivering a championship to the greatest city in the world…South Philadelphia. I can’t even front, when Carson went down everyone I know cried. I hadn’t seen Vinny that upset since Cheerleaders had to close down for a week because of the ferret outbreak. But then…THEN you came in Nicky boy. Yo the feeling you gave me, it’s like when you go to Forman Mills and they’re having a 2 for 1 sale on Champion sweat pants. (Those are the primo sweats man. You can fart in them for like 3-4 weeks before you gotta wash them.)
You remember when the Pats were coming into the Super Bowl all like “oh we’re great, we’re amazing, our pants have zippers”? What did you do Nick? That’s right, you zipped their mouths shut. (hope you enjoyed that plane ride home fancy pants fellas) I still can’t believe you made Tommy Stone Hands have a sad 4 minute kiss with his son instead of ya know, the usually happy 3 minute kiss.
Dude I can’t wait to see who you start for next year man. I know you like the God stuff so I put a mini Foles jersey on my St. Antnee statue so you can find your new team (you get it Nick!) I pray to it every night that you go the AFC. Cmon dude don’t be a dick, just go to like Jacksonville or somethin. Aw but you’re not a dick, you’re Big Dick. So again bro, biggest of thanks and good luck from the realest city in the universe…South Philly. (anything north of Washington is where the fairies live)
Frankie “Capocollo” Nicoletti
PS. If you go to the Giants I will piss on the ashes of your torched jersey. DON’T YOU FUCKING DO IT!